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Even with these kinds of worries and fears, Emily and I were getting along better than we ever had before. She was coordinating things with Joyce, and she and Mama were working together on sending out fund raising mailers to all the people on Mama's contact lists. Emily had composed the letter, then she spent some time with both Mama and Joyce, making changes to it.I had given Emily my old Cadillac, because I had decided to buy myself a new one. I bought an El Dorado coupe, and really loved the quietness of the ride. Convertibles are okay, but they are noisy, and they are cold also, in the winter, even with the heater turned all the way up. My new car had a baby blue paint job, with a white leather interior.Emily was doing any necessary driving that either Mama or Joyce needed done. She was also taking Gary and her to and from school, which made her get home a few minutes earlier than before, when she and Gary both walked. Mrs. Carstairs hadn't said anything about me giving the car to. I hate myself for this, but I seem to revert to it again and again. It is self-destructive, but the role as a victim is oh so tempting and comfortable. No sense in pursuing this now, I already know that the full impact of what I’m seeing will hit me bad enough later. That it will lead to questions about my manhood, my sexual abilities, how shitty my life has turned out in general. But not now, right now I’m just staring at them and fight to keep my feelings at bay.Mercer could really lose a few kilos. The flabby mass around his hips wobbles like jelly while he pounds into Laura’s lithe figure. This guy is no porn star material, still she has chosen him above me. This is quite a blow for my ego. All these hours at the gym, all these songs I’ve written for her, all the love I’ve shown her don’t seem to be that important to her.Do I need photos, as some kind of evidence? No, Laura makes a lot more money than I do and I want nothing from her. That decision is already clear. I don’t want.
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